Right in the church hallway, my 20 month old daughter plopped her little bottom on the floor and refused to move. I had told her we were leaving and she wanted to nothing to do with it. I was carrying her newborn brother and had no free hands. Having seen many parents tell their children that they would leave them behind if they didn’t come, I thought I would try the same thing. It worked so I thought it must be excellent parenting. I received obedience, right? Isn’t that the goal?
Little did I know at the time that I was breeding trust issues and using threats to manipulate my child. The International Journal of Psychology just recently published research that shows that almost every parent teaches their child that lying is wrong, yet many use lies to get their children to behave. You have probably heard it: “You better be nice or you won’t get any presents from Santa Claus.” “If you don’t come, I’ll leave you behind.” “If you don’t clean up your toys, I’m going to throw your toys away.” “If you don’t eat your food, you’ll sit there all day.”
To many a parent, these phrases all seem innocent enough. Maybe you even move to leave your child behind. The question is “Would you really leave your child?” No, you wouldn’t – it’s child abuse. Does your child know this? Of course not, but it does breed lack of trust. In the immediate, it breeds the trust issue of my parents always being there for me. Innocently, we have communicated to our child that if his behavior does not meet our standards, we won’t be there for him.
As our child grows, she will come to realize that we never really would leave her behind. She realizes we have lied to her. He realizes Santa Claus isn’t real, and you wouldn’t really make him eat that food if he hasn’t eaten it in an hour. These children begin to question everything. Is God real or is He just a lie that you have used to control her? Would you really take her side when someone physically abuses her? As she goes through puberty and peer pressure, can she trust your advice or is it just more to control her behavior?
The research from the International Journal of Psychology showed that 84% of parents in the US lie to their children in some form. What is the solution to all the lying? Are we just doomed?
The very best thing we can do is practice compliance at home. Training outside the home breeds frustration in both parents and children. Be consistent. Don’t use idle threats. Establish consequences to every behavior and immediately follow through. If a child does not listen and comply immediately, follow through the consequence you have established right then rather than giving another command. Many children are trained to wait till the 3rd or 4th time a parent has given a command, and that is the very reason parents struggle in public.
What are your thoughts on lying to children for obedience?Tweet
What a great challenging article. My children are grown but now I have grandchildren. It will be hard. You may have to stop often at first, but I believe in obedience the first time. Otherwise, aren’t we promoting sin in our children? Everything we do as parents should point the children to their relationship with God first. That was the very reason we didn’t teach\lie about Santa. Second, consistent, constant consequences for each sin. We personally spanked for disobedience. Now, the circumstances around the consequences may differ due to environment. For the boys, we are going to the bathroom was keyword for you sinned, you will be spanked. Don’t let emotions dictate consequences. Sin is black and white. Now, having said that, times of grace are necessary but always pointing them to The Lord. I’m thinking times of illness or severe grieving for example. It will be worth it!
I couldn’t agree with you more. I never thought of the fact that we are breeding sin in our children but Ecclesiastes 8:11 completely agrees with you. “Because sentence against an evil work is not executed speedily, therefore the heart of the sons of men is fully set in them to do evil.” I want my kids to see Christ is everything I do and to seek Him for dependence so I agree with you about being consistent. God is always consistent in His dealings with me!
Thought pervoking article! My parents follwed through once with a threat that they would leave me home. I watched them get into the car and leave, I had to have been around 6 or 7 at the time. Dad went around the block but it was enough to make me panic and appologise when they did pull into the drive way. The point is, he followed through with the threat and my mom had to have been beside herself the whole time.
Training your children to obey the first time is a long and difficult task but consistency is well worth it. Just keep pressing towards the mark of obediant, respectful, and godly children.
Becca, I can’t even imagine the fear that would have been as your dad drove away. When I was about 12 or 13, my dad did leave me at church for not being ready after services like I was told. At that age, I completely understood and didn’t panic. I began to think of what I could do for the afternoon. Like you, my dad wasn’t far away and I knew that. I’m afraid a small child could never understand that and really I believe that if your child will not come with you in public, you need to stay home with that child until you as a parent have instilled in them in the importance of coming immediately. Many may argue with that statement but the truth is it is for their safety. You are so right about training your children is not a task for the faint hearted and can wearying but it is SO worth it! When I see my children immediately and happily coming to me, it does my heart good.
I agree with you mostly but I agree with Becca as well. When kids reach a certain age, a threat like leaving them behind is a real one. My parents left me at church once as well when I was about 9. I learned real quick to obey. The threat worked because they could and did carry it out. It wasn’t an issue of trust because they told the truth and I really was left behind. I had to walk home (they followed me in the car and it was only a few blocks, but their point was clearly yet not cruelly made) I’ve also sat at the table for hours till I ate my dinner. I’ve made my own daughter sit at the table till she eats her food. The kids have to know that mom is in control and not them. I do agree though that you should never threaten something you are not willing or is not possible to carry out. If you wouldn’t really leave them at the table for hours, then don’t threaten it. I guess the point is, be careful what you threaten as punishment because they may call your bluff.
I am mainly speaking about a certain age. I am assuming that by the age of 9 if a parent says “come”; the child is going to obey. I’m assuming that at 9 your parents were using the “we will leave” for other things. My parents used it because I would wander off with friends and they couldn’t find me. We were to be in high traffic easy to find places in order that they didn’t have to hunt for us. In the formative years, parents are building trust and training obedience. By 9, you are dealing with other issues. Great comments!
Very thought-provoking. This article made me stop and think about if I manipulate my nieces and nephew to get what I want, and I immediately thought of how I tell the kids to hug and kiss me before I give them candy. What an awful example I’m presenting to the kids by doing that! I’m basically teaching them to go through the motions of appeasing those in authority in order to get to the desired end. I’ve done that very thing myself while I was growing up. I want better for them than I have been.
I also thought, though, about the empty threats I hear from parents, the “1-2-3s” I hear almost incessantly, and the lack of love that is often portrayed in the disciplinary methods I’ve observed. It hurts me to see kids getting disciplined over something that is a parental whim, rather than for the good of the child. Or the anger that is used to discipline instead of loving concern to train a child in the right way. If I perceive that the parent is angry while disciplining, what message is it sending children?
I can’t help but think about how God disciplines me: He takes away his blessing, but I always know He’ll provide for my needs. I never want for food (might not be fancy or nice but it contains necessary nutrients), a roof over my head (not the best neighborhood or even a “pretty” place, but warmth and protection), and clothes on my back (again, not fancy or what I always wish for, but it’s modest and covers the need). He never withholds His love and compassion for me. He never abandons me. My sin may stand in the way of a full, open relationship with Him, but He’s only a whisper of repentance away. His Word is firm on what is sin and what is not, but He also leaves things to my discretion as to what I need to use wisdom to determine what is right and wrong (“All things are lawful unto me, but all things are not expedient…” 1 Cor. 6:12). His Word is my Guide for determining those things that are expedient and those that are not. Only when I’m rebellious do I receive His righteous judgement and indignation.
I know that since I’m not a parent, I don’t have to deal with the same things, but I still can’t help but feel like there’s often something missing. I hope and pray I can learn how to be a good, Godly parent by observation and keeping notes on what lines up with God’s ways and what is just considered “good parenting” because it gets momentary obedience.